How to Unfuck Your Blog Archives Overnight

Here’s the thing about getting established as a new blogger: it’s fucking hard.

Want to know the secret to making it easier? Do better.

Because it’s hard to bring in eyeballs. Advertising, promotion, public relations, marketing… It doesn’t matter what you call it. It all does one thing: gets people to start reading your shit. And it costs a lot of money (or blood, sweat, and tears). Like it’s kind of a multi-billion dollar industry. And you’re wasting what you’re spending.

Why? Because they’re not coming back. They’re not buying your ebook. They’re not signing up for your newsletter. They’re not subscribing.

Sure, clicked through your tweet to your blog. And they may have even clicked another post. And then they went away.

Why? Because you chased them away with shit content. Don’t chase them away with shit content. Don’t force yourself to drag people in the door now, three weeks from now, and then again next year. Get them to stick around the first time. Duct tape them to the chair. Proverbially. With good content.

Or literally if you’re into that.

Handcuffs because sex pun.

50 Shades of Heyyyyyyy…

How do I know if my content is shit?

It’s easy!

Are people giving you glowing praise? Are they referring all their friends to you? Are they asking you to write something for them?

Of course they’re not. Your bounce rate is high. Your return visitors are low. Your subscribers are- just kidding. You don’t have subscribers. Your engagement is laughable. The only social sharing is retweets from your sympathetic friends.

Fellow bloggers count as friends, too, by the way. Would they be reading if you weren’t commenting on all their posts? Quick experiment: Try ignoring them and see what happens. I dare you.


Yeah. That’s what I thought.

I’m not immune to the suckage, by the way. I’ll admit it. I started blogging like four months ago. That’s why I’m writing this. Because I’m unfucking my content now. To keep you here.

The Grady twins from The Shining. Forever and ever and ever.

Forever and ever and ever…

Now let’s get to it.

How to Fix Your Old, Shitty Content so You Don’t Chase Away All the New Readers You Worked so Insanely Hard For (Overnight-ish)

  • Edit your post titles. Run them through the headline analyzer of your choice. Make them pop. Make them irresistible. If they’re not irresistible, it’s time to scrap the post and try expressing your idea in a more interesting way, because nobody’s going to read it, and you’re just making people scroll further to get to your good stuff. Did you click on this post because you love me and read everything I write? That’s what I thought. If you refuse to scrap posts altogether, at least set them to private while you sort them out. Remember: only show your best side.
Profile picture vs tagged picture.

Think of a blog where every post is Beyonce-level sexy. (From Pinterest)

  • Make your featured images pop. People are visual creatures. Blogging is a visual medium. Pinterest is a thing now. Fix your images and your thumbnails. I’m not saying that you should follow the typical vertical blog image format. Actually, it doesn’t appeal to me. But find something that’s intriguing and piques interest.
  • Add more images to your posts, too, by the way. That’s what people are going to notice the most. At the end of the day, what will you remember: me using creepy-ass twins to make a point, or the actual point I made?
  • Fix your busted introductions. Don’t make them snoozefests. If you need a good example of terrible introductions that put you to sleep, read any of mine ever. Remember: tempting. Like Original Sin level of tempting. And then add some sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll on top of it.
  • Fix your busted conclusions. Actually, don’t bother. They’re probably fine and nobody’s going to read that far. But make sure you’ve got a call-to-action in every post because science.
  • Ignore the rest. Because I’m willing to bet you write decently well in the bulk of your posts. And also because people are only going to read your headline and introduction, skim your subheadings and bold text, look at some pictures, and then possibly comment if you’re lucky.

That’s it. That’s all you have to do.

I just cut your workload down to 1/10th of its original size AND probably doubled your reward. For free. You’re welcome.

What should you do with all this saved time?

Subscribe to my damn blog. Because it’s getting better. And follow me on Twitter. And share this post with a blogging friend who needs to hear it.

1 comment on “How to Unfuck Your Blog Archives Overnight”

  1. Pingback: The 1,000-Word Guide to Branding Yourself - Michael Noker

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