PB & Banana Pies Because You’re His Consolation Prize

Congratulations. You’re a consolation prize. You’re not The One by any stretch of the imagination, but you’ll do I guess.

Sometimes when you start dating a guy, he talks about other guys in his life. Like his friends. And his family. And his exes. And the guy he’s been in love with for the previous year, but who isn’t interested in him as “more than a friend,” but that he’d still do anything for because he’s just that nice of a guy.

Sometimes that guy is like really awesome, too, and has a six-figure income, and never does anything wrong (like he’s basically a Boy Scout) because he’s always at his super noble job being an awesome, caring person and when he’s not, he’s usually helping his friends or volunteering at an animal hospital or playing with his two adorable cats. And he has this nice, cute apartment that is tastefully decorated and his hobbies include things that you enjoy a lot, like cooking (I like eating) and hiking and driving around aimlessly listening to music and he’s a great cuddler and seems to be really gentle and kind and caring and kind of exactly what you’re looking for because look at that handsome face.

And he’s totally in love with someone else.

And he has had five conversations with you, and three of them have been about the dude he’s in love with. The one he’d wait forever for.

But then after a couple hours of nothing but, “I’m really hurt, I do deserve to be loved, right?” and you trying to be there for him he’s like, “so like you wanna come over?”

And so you want to eat your feelings, so let’s make Peanut Butter Banana Pies Because You’re His Consolation Prize.


– A pie crust
– Peanut butter, preferably creamy (because crunchy peanut butter is effin’ disgusting)
– Bananas
– Vanilla pudding mix (and milk, according to the package)
– Whipped cream (optional)

Prep time

I don’t know. Maybe like 5 minutes? How uncoordinated are you, anyways?

Cook time

Like 10 minutes.


Preheat oven to whatever temperature your pie crust package tells you.

Let pie crust bake until golden brown.

Meanwhile, prepare vanilla pudding according to package and let set.

Remove pie crust from oven. Turn off your oven because you don’t want to set your kitchen on fire again. You already have two strikes against you.

Cut bananas – one or two should be good. Depends on how much you like bananas. Spread bananas slices evenly over peanut butter.

Pour enough vanilla pudding to fill the pie crust the rest of the way. Add whipped cream on top. Also spray whipped cream directly into your own mouth as you question whether you really are doomed to always go for the bad boys because this is the kind of shit that happens when you try to date a nice boy. Wonder whether this is just an excuse to keep dating bad boys. Wonder if this is a sign you should stop dating altogether. Check ex’s Facebook to see what your replacement cooked him for dinner tonight.

Sigh. Cut and serve pie or just shove a fork directly into the pan. Nobody else is going to be eating it with you.

Check phone for messages.

Sigh. Go to Hulu and look for your favorite romantic comedy. Remember that you can never find decent movies on Hulu when you need them. Consider purchasing Netflix. Consider going to a dude’s house to “Netflix and chill” so that you can use his account. Pirate the movie.

Best enjoyed chilled and with a drizzle of chocolate syrup.

2 comments on “PB & Banana Pies Because You’re His Consolation Prize”

  1. Febriana Reply

    love this Michael! love the word games and the level of sass in this post is jussst perfect. “let’s make peanut butter banana pies because you’re his consolation prize”

Leave a Reply