Congratulations! You’re 5 Minutes From Better Goals

Forget new year’s resolutions. They’re weak, they’re hard to stay committed to, and they only cross your mind once a year. Let’s set better goals. Better goal setting. In 5 minutes or less.

Let’s do this.

First Minute: Out with the old

Take that crumpled up scrap of paper from your wallet or Filofax (Michael, what the fuck is a Filofax?) or nightstand and toss it.

Because those were lame resolutions. I’m giving you a full minute for this because people are attached to their hopes and dreams.

Second minute: Visualize!

I want you to tell me the perfect moment for you.

Whether it’s relaxed on a beach sipping muay thais while you watch your bank account, shouting into your phone on the elevator as a busy businessperson worried about business, surrounded by three screaming children as you try and take the perfect family portrait with your gross cat Fefe.

Mine is running through a grassy valley in the golden hour just before sunset on a warm summer afternoon with my boyfriend.

Got it?

sunny valley


Minute three: Write down what you’ll have to learn or do

If you chose an awkward family Christmas portrait, you’re probably going to have to find a photographer and some ugly matching sweaters. Or have some kids first. What are the necessary elements?

If you want to get featured in Apartment Therapy, you’re probably going to have to learn how to decorate and move out of your mom’s basement.

Awkward family photo


When I visualized my moment, I had to find a boyfriend. I did that already, though, so now I just need to move to some perfect, sunshiney place and wait for summer to be a Thing again.

It also means I should probably make enough money to afford to move to that sunshiney place because I don’t want to experience this only once. I don’t want to wham bam thank you ma’am my life goal, you know?

I want to cherish it.

Minute four: First action

All those things – graduating high school, figuring out your brilliant business idea, moving to Sunshineville, Florida, getting a boyfriend, buying ugly sweaters and having a few kids… Those are all actions. You have to do those things. Those are things you’re going to do to get to your moment.

Before you do each of those things, there are some other, smaller things you have to do first.

Figure out what the first step to the rest of those things is.

Maybe you need to go study for your calculus test, or scribble down a business plan on a cocktail napkin, or get onto OK Cupid to find a date.

What’s that thing you need to do right now? 

Minute five: Do the thing

Do it.

Take your first step.

Take your step whether you’re reading this in July 2025, or if it’s when I actually publish it because you’re a good person that’s actually subscribed to my blog.

The best time to plant a tree was 10 years ago. The second-best time is now.

Or some shit like that.


And also subscribe. And leave a comment on this page telling me what your vision and first steps are. You’ve set better goals, so I want to know what they are.

Because I love you and I want you to stick around.

I am a tiny foxtato and I believe that you can set better goals.

Give a unicorn its horn!

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