Single AF Alone for the Holidays Survival Guide

So be honest with me: how did Thanksgiving go for you? Did you enjoy a lovely turkey dinner with your drunk uncle and vaguely racist aunt? Do you have yet another year under your belt of successfully dodging your family’s disappointment in your relationship status? Did you spend most of it connected to Tinder thirstily swiping your way through your hometown to feel less lonely? Christmas is coming. Maybe you need the Single AF Alone for the Holidays Survival Guide (2016 edition!) to help you through the holidays as a lonely, single person.

The Single AF Survival Guide to the Holidays (2016 Edition) / TheNoker.com / How to survive the 2016 holiday season with your family and friends as a single, lonely, forever alone person with the same style and grace as the lonely cat lady slash spinster down the street.

Thanksgiving went surprisingly well for me. I spent most of the week driving for Uber because my previous employment offer doesn’t seem to have gone anywhere (and bills keep coming for whatever reason). For turkey day itself, Jessica and I had lunch with her aunt and her grandma.

But enough about me. Let’s talk about you.

How did your Thanksgiving go? What did you do for Turkey Day? Leave a comment to let me know what you did, who you spent it with, and what you’re thankful for! 

Thanksgiving Alone

Well, not really.

Thanksgiving 2016 was interesting. I wasn’t alone for Thanksgiving for two reasons: first, and obviously, was Jessica. Second, though, was a surprise visitor to El Paso named Tony who decided to strike up a conversation with me on Grindr.

He’s in El Paso visiting family, but since that meant being surrounded by old people, he needed social interaction with someone his own age. Cue me and my openness to spontaneity. We toured the city, went to see the alligators downtown, hung out at the outlook at the Franklin Mountains park, and cuddled up to watch a movie.

(And so on…)

But Tony’s not going to be in town for Christmas 2016. Nor is Jessica or her grandma or aunt.

So Christmas? I’ll be alone for Christmas.

This may not be a bad thing. If things go according to plan, I’ll most likely be working my happy little butt off on one of the three projects I agreed to take on this week or working on my blog or channel. It’s hard to feel depressively alone when you’re focused. More on that later.

Bottom line, I’ve put together a guide to help out all the singles who will find themselves alone for the holiday season of 2016. It’s part sarcastic and part genuine advice (so it’s just like everything else you’ve ever made, Michael), so hopefully you’ll find it both entertaining and helpful.

How to Be Single for the Holidays

First, some basic necessities and a bit of retail therapy:

And how.

See your friends (or try renting a friend)

Did you know that there’s such a thing as a rent-a-friend?

(I’ll let that sink in.)

I’m also signed up to be a rentable friend.

(I’ll let that sink in, too.)

If you find yourself alone throughout the holiday season, consider reaching out to a friend – paid or otherwise – and offer to buy them lunch or dinner. Invite them to go see a movie with you or hang out at the park. Or take a trip to go look at Christmas lights and decorations around ritzy neighborhoods. Try to find a way to enjoy some holiday cheer with a buddy.

Pretend it’s still summer

Alternately, if you grind your teeth every time you hear “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,” consider denying that the holiday season is happening altogether. I find that I can’t stand Thanksgiving or Christmas regardless of whether I’m alone or coupled for cuffing season. It’s cold, overcast, dark, windy, and otherwise miserable for those of us who rely on sunshine for our happiness.

Likewise, cuffing season is a real thing, but I prefer to remain eternally single (at least at this point).

Summer is the season of tank tops, nights out on the town, running around outside, and lighthearted flings with cute boys (I’m telling you to have a lot of sex).

Like most people living in the southwest, I like to enjoy as many of those things as I can year-round.

If you don’t admit that Christmas is happening, maybe you’ll feel less alone.

Projects!

As you all know, I’m a bit of a hyperactive overachiever. I find that it’s easiest to handle my lack of a love life if I’m focusing on conquering the world instead of paying attention to boys.

The holidays are always going to be miserable for those of us who are single, but it’s easier if you have a lot of things going on. Heck, I think my lack of a partner is what’s fueling most of my fire to get to work and probably what will save my business and my career.

I make videos and podcasts, write blog posts, write for Medium, submit guest posts, pitch articles at larger publications, run my own social media presence, attempt to make sense of Instagram, pitch brand deals, reach out to local venues that could be good to work with, write stand-up routines for when I get the balls to attempt an open mic again, drive for Uber, intern for a recording studio, and am currently drafting two books (one fiction, one memoir).

When do I have the time to feel alone?

Kelly Rippa isn’t lonely. Be Kelly Rippa. 

Be prepared for questions and looks

If you’ll be heading home for the holidays, make sure you have a set of standard, prepared, calm responses when your meddling aunt or fat-shaming uncle decide to ask why you’re still single.

“I’m working on myself right now.”

“I’m focused on my career.”

“I just haven’t met the right guy yet.”

“I’m holding out for Jensen Ackles.”

“I’m too busy prepping for doomsday.”

“I can’t find a guy who’s as into panda sex as I am.”

Likewise, be ready for the pitiful looks that you’ll almost certainly get. There’s a certain depressive air around you when you’re shopping for presents alone or getting hammered on peppermint Schnapps during a children’s movie on Christmas Eve. Try not to pay any mind to their judgment. They can smell fear.

What are your suggestions for surviving the holidays as a single person? Are you feeling the pangs of thirsty desperation, or do you think you’ll pull through this year without a care in the world? I think I’ll be doing better this year, but I also can’t wait until February 15th when I can stock up on a year’s worth of cheap-ass chocolate and the world around me returns to Singles Season.

(And subscribe.)

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Going through a breakup (or just want an entertaining quick read for funsies)? Check out my new book, How to Get Over a Breakup (Without the Bullshit) on Amazon.com!

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3 comments on “Single AF Alone for the Holidays Survival Guide”

  1. Chloe Reply

    I am currently not single but I remember vividly the Christmas’s I was. Where were my rent a friends then? P.S You are a fantastic writer, I actually LOL’d whilst reading this. Hope you have a great Christmas!

    • Michael Noker Reply

      Thank you so much for the kind words – and I’m glad you laughed! I’m certain Christmas will be absolutely fabulous this year. Here’s hoping, at least.

  2. Pingback: How to Feel Better When Boys Don't Love You - Michael Noker

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