Uber Driver Diaries: “I got a big dick now”

This post is the first entry in a new series on my blog called the Uber Driver Diaries slash Diary of an Uber Driver (I don’t care about names, honestly), in which I chronicle, well, my stories about being an Uber driver and the many lovely people I pick up. Some of these entries will be boring. Some will be exciting. All of them will be real. 

Saturday, November 4, 2016 

This entry begins at 1:00 AM. I had been working on social media stuff for most of the day. This evening, I set up an Instagram account for the Anthrapologist clothing line and created the Anthrapologist YouTube channel (You should totally follow/subscribe, by the way). Oh, and I started a singleness/dating related Tumblr called Single Survival. I’m not abandoning projects. I promise. But these are ‘base camps’ for the holidays. There’s a method to my madness. Trust in the plan. Earlier, I released the first of a few voting ads I’ll be doing over the weekend.

It’s like so good, right?

Anyways.

I got distracted by a Twitter troll, who I attracted when I noted that I’ve been told twice this week that I look like Milo Yiannopoulos (Expect a video about this). Then, I ran out of my favorite addiction Diet Dr Pepper, so I had to make a Walmart run at 1:00.

Walmart, much like a bottle of tequila, is best when it’s empty. I also got gas. Since I had a full tank, I opted to turn on the Uber driver app to see if I got any leads on my way home. Credit card bills are pending, so I figured cash would be pretty sweet.

Halfway home, I got my first bite.

Uber Driver Diaries: Ride One: Two dudes, one bar

My first rider was a pair of guys who were heading from a house to a bar. They’d apparently picked up a buddy a couple hours ago, dropped him off because he was plastered, and decided to Uber out to a dive for last call. They were friendly, if a little awkward. That may have been me, though – I’m usually slightly off-kilter for my first ride. Antsy, if you will. It’s usually what sets the tone for the rest of the night.

Anyways, I dropped them off at a bar hidden somewhere near the corner of Lee Trevino and Pebble Hills. They said it plays rock music and has cheap liquor (sold!), so I may have to check it out soon.

Public Service Announcement: Did you know that you can buy me a beer (also known as supporting the Uber Driver Diaries) by pledging a monthly donation on the Michael Noker Patreon page? Because you totally can. 

On second thought, it wasn’t actually an awkward ride. The awkward part came at the end. We shook hands, and one of them went for that weird handshake where you do other shit with your hands besides… like… shaking.

They didn’t tip.

I elected to continue on my merry way home because I had to pee, but I left the Uber drive app connected.

Ride Two: “Run this bitch over. Three times.”

There’s a particularly stressful moment that comes as an Uber driver: when you have to go to the bathroom.

You nervously stare at your phone while you take care of business and hope to god that it doesn’t go off while you’re compromised. Uber only gives you a couple seconds to accept each trip, so you better be willing to drop everything to grab it.

I’d just made it out of the bathroom when I got my next ride. Having decided that I was in it to win it, I grabbed a soda and my keys and ran out the door. The pick up was at a bar just around the corner from where I live, so I didn’t have a lot of time. People lose their patience when it gives them a 2-minute estimate and it takes you 5 minutes to arrive.

“How is y’all’s night going?” I asked the two gentlemen as they buckled their seat belts.

“Oh it was great until this bitch decided to get drunk,” one replied.

“It was fine,” said the other. This was the last time he would speak until the end of the trip.

They directed me down a route different from the GPS so the silent one could buy cigarettes at a gas station. For whatever reason, I left the GPS connected and chose to ignore the yelling. This turned out to be a good decision.

The talkative one hiccuped, burped, and swallowed at least 30 times in the first few minutes of the trip. I asked him very politely to let me know if he needed me to pull over so he could hurl. He tried to make a joke.

Reasons why the joke wasn’t funny:

  • You’re drunk. Drunk people aren’t funny.
  • I’m sober.
  • I will have to clean puke out of my car.
  • And smell said puke in my car, because you know I’m not going to be able to actually get it out.
  • I only get a $200 cleaning fee at the absolute maximum.
  • My car has leather seats.
  • And is my main source of income sometimes.
  • FUCK YOU.

The possible puker told me that life is hard while we waited at the gas station.

He also said that it sucks to live with somebody who doesn’t love you anymore. And that it’s like so hard to leave.

I just said, “Yeah, sometimes.”

When the silent one came out of the store, drunk-o yelled, “Run this bitch over! Three times! So he can’t come back!”

As we entered their neighborhood, the silent one spoke up. To give me the wrong directions. Turn by turn. For the remainder of the trip.

They also didn’t tip.

Uber Driver Diaries is a new comedy blog series about my experiences as an Uber driver and the weird, quirky people I come across on my rides. We open with Liza, who notably bragged about having a big dick.

Oh, Liza.

Uber Driver Diaries: “I got a big dick now”

The moment we’ve all been waiting for. This was my third trip of the night. It started very shortly after my last drop off and took me all the way to the far west side of El Paso.

Her name was Liza. She was marvelous. She’s a bartender who recently moved to San Antonio and came back to visit.

She told me about her last relationship. Basically, she was supposed to move to Indiana to go be with a guy she’d fallen in love with. Tomorrow was her move date. Then he ghosted her. The fuck, right?

But not to worry, fair reader: she’s visiting El Paso to hang out with a man. With a huge dick. Who she’s known since, like, middle school. She’s 36, so that’s like forever (This is a quote).

I also talked to him on the phone, twice, trying to get directions. He has a sexy voice.

Liza didn’t tip because Uber doesn’t offer a tipping option and she didn’t have cash. I told her it was fine – literally like… 8% of my riders tip me. She invited me to come inside and hang out with Big Dick for a while. I declined and hit the road. Thanks, but no thanks.

The day is done

I drove back across the city toward the east side and played my music as loud as I possibly could. This is happiness. I rolled the windows down to enjoy the crisp, autumn air. It finally feels like fall in El Paso. Finally.

I ended the night with one more relatively uneventful trip – certainly not worth an entry in the Uber Driver Diaries. He was nice, though, so there’s that.

I made $34.96 (includes the guaranteed hourly rate of $20). My total time was 3 hours and 30 minutes. After writing this, I guess it could be worse. If nothing else, the Uber Driver Diaries will be super therapeutic for me.

Are you interested in driving for Uber? Feel free to sign up to be a driver! If you sign up with the referral code Q66KKR5HUE, you will get a bonus for signing up after you complete your training trips. I also get a bonus, so I don’t have to do it quite as much. 

If you’re interested in reading more of these entries, make sure you leave a comment down below letting me know to keep publishing them. And if you’re not interested in reading more of the Uber Driver Diaries, then you’re a terrible person. Check the box below the comments to subscribe to this blog via email to get notified every time I post an update! Or you can follow this blog at Bloglovin’!

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10 comments on “Uber Driver Diaries: “I got a big dick now””

  1. Patrick Cleary Reply

    I distrust people so much that I’d be terrified to be a driver of any sort. I find it hard enough to drive co-workers I don’t know very well anywhere.

  2. womanpulse Reply

    My husband was going to drive with Uber until he read how horrible it is and the money isn’t really that great. Now I’m glad, bet you have the WTF loo alot

  3. Renard Moreau Reply

    [ Smiles ] I live in The Republic of Trinidad and Tobago; we do not have Uber drivers in our country.

    Uber is advertised around the world as something revolutionary.

    • Michael Noker Reply

      I think the most revolutionary thing about it is that it convinces people to essentially lose money (or at least work for less than minimum wage), screws both drivers and riders over in several ways, and still manages to be the most successful rideshare in most markets.

  4. Pingback: Compassion: Thoughts on Political Fallout - Michael Noker

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